saying goodbye

no...i'm not ending this blog just yet...
last night, i had a dream. basically, in my dream, my grandmother actually hadn't died. the doctors thought she had but she was getting better because they had given her the wrong drugs by accident, but then she stopped taking them. i knew that it was only a dream, but i really really really wanted it to be real.
when i woke up, i realised something. i never really got to say goodbye to her. the last time i talked to her, i thought that'd she'd be all right. we talked about how boring i thought history was. and her friend was there, which meant we really couldn't talk to her. and i said good-bye at the end of that trip, but i thought i'd get to talk to her again. but i didn't. the last time i saw her alive, she was asleep and i couldn't even go into the room. i was too scared to. i knew i was going to begin crying and i didn't want anyone to see how afraid i was. i waited until my sister began to cry. and while she was sobbing and talking to my parents, i just sat there.
that's all i ever do. i just sit there. i don't do anything to change my life. i except other people to change it for me. and i hate that.
on sunday, we went up to my grandmother's apartment to chose something we wanted to remind us of her. personally, i didn't want anything, but i had to go anyways. i was okay, until i saw her purse. it was as if she had only left for a few minutes and was going to come back. but she's not coming back. ever. and then to hear my parents talk about how much money all her stuff was worth and how expensive it would be to get it moved out of the apartment. that was the worst bit.
i'm scared. last night's episode of house was all about this young business-woman who is dieing and they think she has lymphona. and she says that it's better to watch the birds than waste your time wishing that you have wings. i need to learn to do that. i think it would make my grandmother proud.