saying goodbye

no...i'm not ending this blog just yet...
last night, i had a dream. basically, in my dream, my grandmother actually hadn't died. the doctors thought she had but she was getting better because they had given her the wrong drugs by accident, but then she stopped taking them. i knew that it was only a dream, but i really really really wanted it to be real.
when i woke up, i realised something. i never really got to say goodbye to her. the last time i talked to her, i thought that'd she'd be all right. we talked about how boring i thought history was. and her friend was there, which meant we really couldn't talk to her. and i said good-bye at the end of that trip, but i thought i'd get to talk to her again. but i didn't. the last time i saw her alive, she was asleep and i couldn't even go into the room. i was too scared to. i knew i was going to begin crying and i didn't want anyone to see how afraid i was. i waited until my sister began to cry. and while she was sobbing and talking to my parents, i just sat there.
that's all i ever do. i just sit there. i don't do anything to change my life. i except other people to change it for me. and i hate that.
on sunday, we went up to my grandmother's apartment to chose something we wanted to remind us of her. personally, i didn't want anything, but i had to go anyways. i was okay, until i saw her purse. it was as if she had only left for a few minutes and was going to come back. but she's not coming back. ever. and then to hear my parents talk about how much money all her stuff was worth and how expensive it would be to get it moved out of the apartment. that was the worst bit.
i'm scared. last night's episode of house was all about this young business-woman who is dieing and they think she has lymphona. and she says that it's better to watch the birds than waste your time wishing that you have wings. i need to learn to do that. i think it would make my grandmother proud.

just another little poem

i'm trying to write more from the heart now. here's another poem i wrote. basically, the last time i saw my grandmother, in the middle of our visit, there was a "code blue" on her floor. that means that someone was in cardiac arrest. this poem's a bit about that.

"code blue"

just two words running through the hall
code blue is all they say code blue
machines beep louder out of control
and then silence
broken by a loud wail of pain
we all sit together quiet
but it's not like it's going to happen
you're supposed to be realesed
in just a few days
you just felt a little sick
who'd know that in two days
we'd find that you had been dieing
and in another few days
you would be still in death
and that the wail of pain
would come from us, from me
maybe there'd be another family
sitting in a hospital room, quiet
wondering what was happening
as they shouted code blue
-amy rosch

i hope you like this poem
-extra51

1941-2008

as i said before, my grandmother died a few days ago.
and honestly, i have no idea of how to handle it. the last time someone in my family died was when i was six. that person was my greatgrandfather, who i probably saw a grand total of five times.
my grandmother was the grandparent i was closest too. she was the one i spent the most time with, had the most fun with and learned the most from. i knew for over a year that she had terminal lukemia, but still...at first the doctors said she could have ten years left, than five years, then one year, then six months, then one months, then a few weeks, then a few days and then finally a few hours. she died about two years after she was diagnosed. so much for what the doctors said.
and the thing is, i'm not feeling much. i was sadder when i found out that heath ledger died. i didn't even know him, but i was still sadder. my father, who hated my grandmother, was crying for hours. i just sat there. the thing is, i never got to say goodbye to her. she never knew that i said goodbye. and that's because i didn't.
here's a poem i wrote in honor of her.

you sit there all alone
so small and so weak
you're sleeping now
unable to feel the pain
there's just peace for you
but there's none for me
i watch you, the tears falling
wishing i could say goodbye
but i can't
i'm too scared
goodbye
please know that i said goodbye
-amy rosch

thanks for reading this
extra51